You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Randomize
