she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
