While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Randomize
