I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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