So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
sex in a hospital.. check
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize
