I'm such a slut...i kept having sex with him after he called me his ex gf's name. I just felt like i deserved something out of it too.
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
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