From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
She's like a pop up book from hell.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
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