I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
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