This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
splinters make it hard to masturbate
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
Randomize
