Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
Every time a guy reaches down to touch my vag, i feel really sorry for all the transgender girls who still have a penis there.
That's weird cause every time i feel a girls vag i feel way worse for all the guys who reached down there and got a penis.
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Randomize
