you traded sex for a burrito?
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
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