he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
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