Leaving terminator. dude in front of us leaving was wearing a baggy micael vick jersey, cargo shorts and brown crocs. God I hate people.
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
Randomize
