Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
Randomize
