Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
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