fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
Randomize
