Ryan Reynolds porn could be a WMD. Have a giant TV on the front of your tank, and just drive around playing it. Everyone dies of orgasm overload.
That's it. Iraq is done. Everyone dies, game over man.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Randomize
