Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
Randomize
