So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Randomize
