Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
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