I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
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