There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Randomize
