Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
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