Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
ok now this is the second time he's reffered to recieving a blow job as 'getting his pee pee sucked'
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
Randomize
