What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
idk what id do withouhrh yoy btro
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
