You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
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