Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
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