Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
Randomize
