I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
Randomize
