Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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