Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Come share oat with me in your robe
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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