I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
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