When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
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