I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Randomize
