The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
