Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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