Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
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