Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
