fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
Random question, how's your gag reflex these days
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Randomize
