i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
