Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
So again no comment on the cleavage. I'm a bit disappointed. If those girls come together to make cleavage AND I send you a pic of it, you have to comment on it. That's like relationship 101.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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