I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
Randomize
