I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
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