i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
