I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
