my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Randomize