I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
