I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
who has a one night stand on Christmas ? But he's pretty attractive so thumbs up
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
Randomize
