need another drink. this is the easiest way
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
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