exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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