Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
Randomize
